Learning to Handle Anger

Learning to Handle Anger

Romans 8:28

One of my earliest childhood memories takes me back to a time when I was standing in the front yard at my grandparents’ home crying and screaming at the top of my lungs, angry because my mother would not allow me to cross the street to play with the children who lived there. She was busy helping my grandmother break green beans, if my memory is correct, and consequently was not free to supervise me on the other side of the street. And since she could see no adults watching the children across the road she didn’t know if it would be safe for me to play there. I didn’t care about such technicalities. The children across the street looked like they were having fun and I wanted to join them. I distinctly remember trying to hold my breath and make my face as red as I could because I thought this might cause my mother to change her mind. It didn’t. Instead she warned me that I might die of a heart attack if I didn’t learn to control my anger. As a young child of no more than four or five I wasn’t sure what a heart attack was, but I did understand dying. I had squished enough bugs to know that death meant you didn’t move anymore. I wanted to continue to move, so I decided to calm down. But I didn’t really learn to control my anger that day. Somehow being threatened with a heart attack wasn’t enough to convince me that controlling my anger was worth my time and effort. Consequently, I continued to find myself getting angry and not really knowing how to deal with it in ways that honor God and avoid hurting others.

The same may be true for you. Every person deals with anger because we live in a world full of disappointments, imperfections, and sins. But our problem isn’t so much that we get angry, but that we don’t know how to control our anger in ways that honor God and avoid hurting other people. In short, we allow our anger to lead us into sin.

Broadly speaking, there are two ways that we can express our anger. Some people suppress their anger. They may smile on the outside, but inside they boil with rage. Over time this produces unhealthy results like ulcers, high blood pressure, heart attacks, self-pity, thoughts of revenge, depression, or even suicide in some cases. People who go on a killing rampage often do so because their anger built up and they didn’t learn to deal with it constructively.

Other people express their anger outwardly. They yell, scream, throw furniture, cuss, call people names, tell people off, or even resort to physical violence against others. Some will behave in these ways just about anywhere, but many will keep their anger bottled up in public, but uncork at home.

As Christians we must put off sinful anger. The Bible is clear about that.

Refrain from anger and give up your rage; do not be agitated—it can only bring harm. (Psalm 37:8)

But now you must also put away all the following: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and filthy language from your mouth. (Colossians 3:8)

Look more closely at those explicit commands: refrain from anger, give up your rage, do not be agitated, and put away anger and wrath. They are very straightforward and leave no room for unrighteous anger.

It is possible to have righteous anger. Paul says, Be angry and do not sin. Don't let the sun go down on your anger. (Ephesians 4:26) It doesn’t make any sense to tell people not to sin when they are angry unless it is possible to be angry without sinning. Paul appeared to be righteously angry when he heard about those who were “made to stumble” (2 Corinthians 11:29). Jesus appeared to be angry when he overthrew the tables of the moneychangers in the temple (John 2:13-17). We know he was angry at the hardness of the hearts of those who chastised him for healing a man on a Sabbath day (Mark 3:1-6). And we know he got angry with his disciples for trying to prohibit parents from bringing their children to him so he might touch them (Mark 10:13-16). Yet we know Jesus never sinned (Hebrews 4:15). So we have to conclude that righteous anger is possible.

Robert Jones in his book, Uprooting Anger, suggests three criteria for righteous anger: (1) righteous anger reacts against actual sin; (2) righteous anger focuses on God and his kingdom, rights, and concerns, not on me and my kingdom, rights, and concerns; and (3) righteous anger is accompanied by other godly qualities and expresses itself in godly ways.[1] Yet how often do we meet all three of these requirements for righteous anger? We probably don’t meet these requirements very often at all. Therefore we can agree with Stuart Scott that “righteous anger is extremely rare among men and women.”[2]

You may want to contend that your anger is justified. But it’s more likely that your anger stems from your selfish desires than from a righteous source. You want your way and you get mad because you aren’t getting your way. And when we don’t get our way we typically express our anger in sinful ways. In a superb little booklet on the subject of anger entitled Anger Management, which is an adaptation and paraphrase of some things the great Puritan writer Richard Baxter wrote in his classic work, Christian Directory, we find eleven ways that anger can be sinful:

1. When it opposes God or good, as in the case of those who become angry with us because we seek to win them to the Lord or separate them from their sins.
2. When it disturbs our reason, and hinders us from thinking rightly.
3. When it causes us to act unbecomingly, so as to use sinful words or actions.
4. When it causes us to wrong one another by our words and deeds, or to treat others in a way in which we would not like to be treated.
5. When it is mistaken and with no just cause behind it.
6. When it is in greater measure than that which provoked the anger.
7. When it makes us unfit to do our duty to God or man.
8. When it hinders love, brotherly kindness and the good we might do for others.
9. When it encourages malice, revenge, contentions, division, oppression of those under us, and dishonor to those over us.
10. When it lasts too long, and does not cease when it has accomplished its purpose.
11. When it is used as a means to further our selfish, carnal, and sinful ends. When we are angry because our pride, profit, enjoyment, or fleshly will is crossed.[3]

If you honestly assess your anger in light of that list you will see that much of your anger is sinful. Nevertheless, there is hope for angry people. Gary Powlison says, “God never holds up a mirror without holding out a lamp.”[4] While the law of God shows us our guilt, the grace of God promises victory over our sins.

I don’t want to oversimply things, but I want to suggest that the best way to avoid sinful anger lies in accepting the truth of one great verse of Scripture:

We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

If all things truly work together for the good of those who love God, then surely this includes all the things that make us angry. Therefore God has a good purpose for permitting into our lives the things that make us angry. So instead of focusing our energies on expressing anger in ungodly ways, let’s focus instead on what good God wants to bring through the situations and circumstances that make us angry. In other words, whenever we feel ourselves getting angry, let’s remember that God is up to something good in our lives at that point. He wants to show us his power to work in the situation for good, and he wants to show others his nature through us.

So tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow, or maybe next week or next month you will find yourself getting angry about something. Maybe you are scheduled for an important meeting at work first thing in the morning but get caught in traffic and it causes you to be twenty minutes late for your appointment. Or maybe you in are trying to check out at Wal Mart and they only have three or four checkout lanes open and each one is backed up. When you finally do get checked out after an hour of shopping and a half hour going through the checkout lane you come out to your car and find that some careless person has let their cart go and it has crashed into your car and dented and scratched it. Or perhaps despite all your diet and exercise you have not been able to get rid of the excess weight that still clings stubbornly to your belly. Or perhaps you find out that some kids have been bullying your child for months. It doesn’t matter what the trigger is, you find yourself angry. What do you do next? What you do next will either allow others to see God at work in you for good, or they will see your selfish nature. And it will all depend on whether or not you believe Romans 8:28. Everything in your flesh will cry out to sin in whatever way is most consistent with your fallen nature. But Romans 8:28 reveals there is another way, a better way.

Romans 8:28 assures you that God is working in this situation for your good, therefore you need to get out of the way and let him work. If you let anger control you God will not be glorified. But if you die to self and take up your cross and follow Christ (Luke 9:23), then you give God an opportunity to display himself to you and through you. The important thing for you to remember is that this is a time for you to act like a Christian. Here are some important actions you need to determine in advance to do when you feel yourself getting angry. Learn these and pray that God will help you to put them into practice, and he will.

• Speak with grace: Your speech should always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you should answer each person. (Colossians 4:6)
• Forgive: And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ. (Ephesians 4:32)
• Remember that ungodly anger doesn’t produce good results: My dearly loved brothers, understand this: Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger,for man's anger does not accomplish God's righteousness. (James 1:19-20)

You can make a more extensive list, but that should be enough to get you going down the right road when anger strikes.

I will give the final words to Stuart Scott:

At the time you are tempted to become angry or are beginning to become angry:

1. Pray for God’s help (Hebrews 4:16).
2. Put off being angry (Proverbs 14:17).
   1. Ask yourself, “What is it I am wanting so badly?” Let go of it as something you must have. The only desire you must have is to glorify God!
   2. Ask yourself, “What am I thinking that is wrong?”
   3. Put on gentleness, patience, and humility (Proverbs 16:32; James 1:19).
      1. Ask yourself, “What should I be thinking?” Use your new thoughts and Scripture.
      2. Ask yourself, “How can I be patient and think of others?”
      3. Ask yourself, “What do God and others want?” and “How can I serve them?”
      4. Ask yourself, “Is there something right that I should do about the problem or issue?” (Address someone’s sin in the right way, plan a solution, get counsel, etc.)[5]

Mastering your anger doesn’t come easy. Nevertheless, with God, anything is possible (Genesis 18:14; Job 42:2; Jeremiah 32:17; Matthew 19:26; Mark 9:23; 10:27; Luke 1:37; 18:27).