Appropriate Speech (Part 2)

APPROPRIATE SPEECH

Part 2

Ephesians 4:29

 

Warren Wiersbe writes, “We expect a change in speech when a person becomes a Christian… Change the heart and you change the speech.”[1] William Hendriksen is also right when he says that “…certain vile phrases or catch-words, sometimes even profanity, all too common in the pre-conversion period of life, have the habit in unguarded moments to barge right in and to befoul the atmosphere.”[2] Every Christian understands precisely what each author means. Wiersbe highlights the remarkable difference Christ makes in your life when he comes in and takes up residence in your heart. But Hendriksen emphasizes the struggle you still have with indwelling sin. No doubt you have confirmed what Hendriksen says because you probably have said things in haste that you wish you hadn’t. You have gotten angry, frustrated, disappointed, or even just surprised and said things that were vile, inconsiderate, profane, hurtful, unnecessary, and dishonoring to God. As much as you wish you could take back those words, you can’t. Just as bullets once fired from guns will hit something, so will your words. But unlike bullets, your words don’t have to be destructive. They can be constructive, provided you use the right ones at the right time.

The apostle Paul gives some very wise counsel regarding speech: No foul language is to come from your mouth, but only what is good for building up someone in need, so that it gives grace to those who hear (Ephesians 4:29 HCSB). The Greek term sapros, which Paul uses here, is translated “foul language” in the HCSB. In my opinion that’s not the best way to render the term in English because the Greek word covers far more than cuss words, which is probably what first comes to your mind when you think of foul language. The term sapros means rotten, unwholesome, evil, and bad. It was used to describe rotten fruit and spoiled fish. The New Testament uses the term eight times, but this is the only place where it uses the word to describe something other than fruit or fish. How interesting that in the one place where the New Testament uses sapros to describe something immaterial it uses it to describe words that come out of the mouth. To think of your words as being rotten or spoiled paints a vivid image in your mind of how offensive your words can be. No one wants to spend time with rotten fruit or spoiled fish. The smells and sights are positively revolting. Likewise, no one wants to spend any time with you when your words are offensive.

Avoid offensive speech.

Notice then that Paul begins with a command to avoid offensive language.  This means that your speech must be altogether different from the speech of the non-Christian. I want to put before you now six characteristics of a non-Christian’s speech. In no way do I mean to suggest that this list covers everything that one can say about the speech of nonbelievers. Nor do I mean to say that Christians are never guilty of the same errors because sadly we do sometimes speak in the same destructive ways. But I mean to highlight the difference between the way nonbelievers speak and the way a true Christian, living up to his or her calling in Christ, will speak.

Impulsive. Unbelievers often speak without carefully considering how their words might be taken by others. They are unrestrained in this regard. They let their feelings and emotions dominate their speech and they speak without thinking. They are like cars without mufflers, loud and impossible to ignore. They react, they don’t restrain. They don’t respond in a reasoned and thoughtful manner.

Self-centered. They like nothing better than to talk about themselves. They can’t wait for you to finish so they can get their word in because they are certain their word is infinitely more important than yours. This conviction that they matter more than anyone else allows them to say all sorts of harmful and hurtful things to others and about others. They will dismantle another person’s reputation in a heartbeat if they think it will promote their cause, position, or reputation.

Destructive. They don’t care if they hurt others if it is to their advantage to do so. They don’t mind tearing other people down. They will attack another person’s character. They will smear another person’s reputation. They will embarrass another person if they feel threatened. Some will even start rumors they know aren’t true because they are jealous, because they want revenge, or even for no other reason than they just don’t like another person.

Divisive. Their words tear relationships apart. They create barriers. They cause prejudices to develop. They see every issue as “us against them” and therefore they always try to portray themselves as the victim and someone else as the villain.

Deceptive. They will manipulate the truth, distort it, and twist it, in order to gain personal advantage and to hide reality. Whatever makes them look good and others look bad they will say. They will say one thing to your face and something entirely different behind your back.

Impure. Their words express vulgarity, profanity, and crudeness. They are seductive and sinister. The jokes they tell are often laced with profanity and are sexually provocative and suggestive in ways that do not honor God’s design for holiness.

These ways of speaking mark the speech patterns of the unsaved. But mark it, and mark it well, these must not be your speech patterns. As a Christian, these unwholesome ways of speech must not be on your lips. Paul means that not a single word that ever comes out of your mouth should in any way be unwholesome.

Surely this means we will invariably speak fewer words. We will have times when we will have to bite our lips, hold our tongues, and keep our thoughts to ourselves. Furthermore, it eliminates such things as name-calling, put downs, and insults, as well as mocking others, griping, complaining, threats, gossip, and slander. And yes, of course, it forbids cussing and dirty jokes.

At this point you may be asking yourself if this means you can never say anything that someone else would find offensive. We must answer “no” to that question because the gospel often offends people, yet we must proclaim it. And there are many other situations in which you will find it necessary to say something that offends, yet it isn’t sinful for you to say what needs to be said, provided you say it at the right time and in the right manner.

For example, when a boss calls an employee into the office and explains to the employee how he needs to do things differently or he will be fired, he will probably get offended, but the boss has not done wrong. Or suppose you discover that your teenage daughter has been bringing her boyfriend over to your house when no one else is home. You will probably offend her when you tell her that you want to have a talk with her and her boyfriend about why you don’t want this to happen anymore, but you are not wrong to have that conversation.

So the point is not that you can never say anything that might offend others. The point is to avoid being offensive. You avoid offensiveness by speaking in ways that encourage others. So let’s move now from talking about how we must avoid offensive speech to consider how we must use encouraging speech.

 

Use encouraging speech.

Paul tells us that we should speak only what is good for building up someone in need. Too often in our Christian experience we think almost exclusively in what we should avoid, but here Paul stresses what we should do. The gospel produces a positive change in us, and that change finds expression, among other places, in our speech. The story is told about a little boy who was leaning against the outside wall of a store one Christmas season, shivering from head to toe. A sympathetic woman approached him and put her arms around him. “Are you cold?” she asked the little boy. “I was,” he responded, “till you spoke to me!”[3] Our words literally have the power to destroy or build, to discourage or encourage, to harm or to heal. James Montgomery Boice writes that “Hitler’s corrupting speech plunged the entire world into war and caused inestimable suffering and anguish. By contrast, the speech of Jesus Christ has done more to bless more people than any other single thing in all history.”[4] A Christian’s speech displays certain helpful characteristics. Let’s look at five, although you can probably think of more.

Controlled. Martyn Lloyd-Jones writes, “The Christian’s tongue should never be out of control. We must never become so excited that we are really not responsible for what we are saying. There must always be thought behind Christian speech and conversation.”[5]

I would add that there must always be love behind our words as well. Husbands and wives would do well to work on controlling their speech because quite often they lose control when they speak to one another. They have certain touchy spots in their relationship—money, discipline of the children, etc.—and when those issues come up it can look like World War III has broken out when they fight about them. He thinks she is the most unreasonable woman God ever created and she is equally convinced that he is the most insensitive man the world has ever seen. Each spouse finds the fault of the other to be intolerable. When this happens the couple needs to step back until they can regain control. They just need to get away from each other until they can talk without yelling and blaming. Remember what Jesus said about removing the log from your own eye. Ask God to help you to love your spouse the way he loves them. Thank God for your mate and pray that God will make him or her godlier.

Considerate. When you determine to encourage others you will invariably find that you consider carefully how your words will impact them. You won’t want to say anything that will hurt their feelings, harm their reputation, cause them to become discouraged, go astray, or lose hope. You will want everything that you say and do to lead them to have a stronger faith in God and have more confidence that he is working in them for good.

Uplifting. You will want to build up, not tear down. You will want to say things that cause others to take risks, be bold, and to have confidence that with God’s help they can do what needs to be done.

Some years ago three whales became icebound off Point Barrow, Alaska. Their only hope was to somehow be transported five miles past the icepack to open sea. Rescuers began cutting breathing holes about twenty yards apart in the six-inch-thick ice. For eight days they lured the whales from one hole to the next until finally they got them to freedom.[6] Each hole they cut was another encouragement for the whales to keep on moving and hoping and to not give up. Are you the kind of person who cuts holes in the ice that threatens to drown the people you know?

Appropriate. An important part of building up others is saying what is appropriate and leaving unsaid what would not be helpful. This requires prayer, wisdom, knowledge of the Bible, and discernment. The goal is always to help others, not to get our own way or to make ourselves look good. Their best interest matters more than our own.

Christlike. In the end it comes down to being Christlike. What an encourager he must have been. Think of doubting Thomas. He refused to believe unless he saw the wounds of the Lord, so Jesus let him see and touch his wounds. Peter was so disappointed with himself after denying the Lord. Yet Jesus encouraged him to feed his lambs. Paul persecuted the church, yet Jesus commissioned him to take the gospel to the Gentiles. In short, Jesus said to each of these men, “I am not finished with you. You can do something wonderful in this world. You can make a difference.” That is what an encourager does. Who do you need to encourage?

 

The goal of speech is to give grace.

There is one more thing you need to see in this text. You have seen that you need to avoid offensive speech and that you need to use encouraging speech. But notice also that the goal of speech is to give grace. Paul says you must build up others so that it gives grace to those who hear. A helpful passage to place alongside Ephesians 4:29 is Colossians 4:6, Your speech should always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you should answer each person. If our language is to avoid being rotten then it will require the necessary preservative to keep it from rotting, and that is grace. Grace is the salt that preserves our speech from decay.

Like every parent, my dad fell short at times. I recall times when he got angry and raised his voice at my brother, my sisters, and me. I saw him lose his temper. I heard him argue with my mother. But there was one area of life where he showed me remarkable grace. When I was a young boy I used to wake up late in the night overwhelmed by fear of the dark. Sometimes I just couldn’t go back to sleep until after I went to my dad and received his encouragement. He was a light sleeper, so I could never sneak up on him. But not once did he ever fuss at me for waking him up. Instead he always found some way to reassure me that God is with me, therefore everything will be ok. And he always spoke kindly and graciously to me.

As a Christian, I hope you strive to always speak with grace. Anyone can speak words that tear down and destroy. As a Christian, you have a nobler calling.